envy_peace

Movies and stories come from human thoughts. Right? Or documented human actions? Yes? so. hm. Perhaps the idea that fairytales are complete bullshit is bullshit in in of itself. Its like hearing lightning and seeing thunder crash. Tasting color and seeing music. I'm not sure. There's an overwhemling emotion. Its like bones shaking. Hm.I think it'd be romantic to find a body in a flower garden. I am in love with the wrong world. If only everything was pure,like snow, like gold. No more dreaming of death as if death itself was undone. None of this makes and sense at all. No more dreaming like the girl so in love so in love. No more running through the garden. Silence. Fingertips and dead flowers? maybe. Its not ever really defined. No. No. Winter brings the strongest of shivers. But they are envoked by the mind not the dropping tempratures. Its just sort of like bitting your cheeks. Its just something you see as SO avoidable but it happens regardless. None of this is making any sense.

Sometimes One just wants to cry. Just cry. And be sad for the sake of it. No reason really, except for thoughts, or lack of them perhaps. Just to cry..hm....Life is quite the odd creature. You are born into the world knowing nothing. Blank of thought and emotion. Then suddenly everything starts to come into light. You open your eyes and see the world. You do not understand anything, but you feel. Then curiosity ventures into your mind. You wonder constantly. And soon you begin to speak and think on your own and want and desire. Emotions as you now know them become more intense. As a young child one is still curious only less so than before...then one becomes thoughtful. A time where one thinks constantly of all that can be, should be, will be. Wishing comes into play. New emotions develop. Love and hate and depression and loneliness. Life continues for years and years until old age, where the day doesn't seem so short or so long anymore, its just a day. A wonderful day. The sun comes up and goes down, it rains sometimes reminding you of your childhood when you used to run and play and try and catch raindrops and snowflakes. Then one day you're gone. That is life. An array or events. Days nights long afternoons in a hot sun. Smiling, laughing, and most importantly crying. Crying for loss, crying for joy. Happiness is so much more fruitful when compared to a sad day. There is no joy in life without sadness. For example, the ones we love are supposed to die, to show us how much they mean to us. Whether or not one believes in "god" the notion that the ones they love are forever with them, in their hearts, still exists. Our lives are full of so many things. So many reasons and so many miracles that it should be impossible to ever be utterly angry. Still we all feel lost at times. We feel numb as if hope for a better tomorrow is not but a dream. We fear oh so much and regret things that we have done. Though it is good to understand the troubles of others I do not think that it is easy or even right to simply feel content with your life because it could be "so much worse". This is generally true, but you can not judge one life over another. perhaps the single mother is happy how she is? We can never know the thoughts of other people more than they try to explain to us in words. Hmm...Sigh. Life. Such a witty thing. So many questions. And where are the answers?

I hate my life! Not really though. But sort of! I want to kill myself a lot which is cool. Not REALLY THOUGH! Ha. Um being 15 sucks! I'd rather be 16 0r 18 or back to um 5. That would be nice! My summer sucks! I haven't hung out with anyone at all and my father has become a very rude control freak! I dislike it and its causing me to become an angry not very pleasant person! I;m very defiant and its stupid! But whatevER! UM! LETS SEE..I LIKE CHICKENS AND PICKLES ON MY ROAST BEEF! WOO. WELL! Uh.....I think I should magically be 21 or something. Ya digg?? Yea. I'm sick of this shit! I'm very angry and I want to kill everyone or myself. maybe both! WOO! GO TEAM! I hate my life. I'm very unhappy currently. VERY. I'm pissed and angry and I want everything to die....uh...I'm going to kill someone.....

The subliminal emotions contain the underlying fears or dreams. They are what tell us someone is happy when they smile with their eyes, and not their skin. They are what make us hunger for deals with "God". They define the gossamer line between fear and anxiety. They are what create the appetite for wanting to know more. An instinct that makes us ask, why?

I am over this sick society. I want to leave. I want to go away. I'm just tired of everyone and everything. I want my life to be perfect...that will never happen. The warm touch of fingers on your back..something foreign to me. I just don't understand. I would enjoy running off into the forest and the trees and never coming out. To go to a place where the sun seldom shines, and when it does....smiles will grace the pale faces of those inhabiting the land below it. Raining day and night. clouds cover the skies. Somewhere forgotten,hidden. A place where no one knows a thing and yet they are all knowing. I am tired.....of what? so many things. I do not know how to escape this life I have been brought into. MY lonely desires are consuming. How to live? I've obviously missed a few of those classes. Society? How to function? I've never been one to accept a thing. Nor my own thoughts that are intrepid in my mind no matter the lengths I go to to dismiss them. Why? perhaps there are few who feel as I do. My eyes search not for lust or greed or acceptance. Those who are wise know I do not smile with my flesh but my eyes. Perhaps I am nothing but a lethargic mind tired of the world. My shimmers of hope seem to be fading. Maybe all I seek in life are answers? Which leads to nothing but a life of disappointment...there are oh so many questions that cannot and will not be answered. They will persist to intrigue the minds of those like me forever. And yet STILL it is my instinct to question..and ask...why? What is this all? what is time? Noting really matters. Death is unavoidable. Its the only truly SURE thing we have in life. We fear it ever so..but mostly I believe because it is something we have not yet expirenced. WE as humans tend to always fear the unknown, driving us to imagine all the possible outcomes. Religion? something I don't take idly to. It is my will to question everything laid before me. I Just CANNOT bring myself to except a single thing. Who am I? well that is a sure fire miss and hit question. I have no creative sentence or well thought out phrase to even begin to describe what I am.....all I can do is sigh..and perhaps try to get through each day with an optimistic view on the world. Try and keep a pleasant disposition.....I never get over the feeling though that I am fooling...everyone.

I really like yellow. Its weird. ANYWAYS. I miss the summer so much. I LOVE this weather though. I'm excited for the rest of fall and winter. heh...school is not improving in anyway. I'm getting my sefl esteem up a little bit but its still down. I miss things..I'm really even sure what I miss... I'M starting to get sad about Paws again though.. this will be my first Halloween without him, and I know I'm going to cry when I go through my first Christmas without him....I just don't even want to think about it. I'm so worried about my life. I'm going to live through some historical events. Perhaps another great depression, another downfall of an entire society. who knows if I'll ever have kids or lead a life ANYTHING like those before me. Weird...

I haven't said anything for 10 weeks. They went by FAST. It was still summer last time. Now I've been in school for a while. Its depressing. I already wish it was the weekend and its sunday night. On a happier note, its raining. I had an amazing weekend. I got to see Jenny. I missed her SO MUCH. WE went to a Haunted house (my first). It was actually a "haunted corn maze". It was SO much fun. I loved it. Ha I'm so insane. There as these two guys following s around and I am in love with one of them. Which is crazy because I barley even saw his face and I have NO IDEA who he is.... but I'll find him someday . " I wear my dress like I wear my heart, on my sleeve". I'm not very happy right now. I'm content, but not happy. I'm not sure what I'm looking for right now. I don't really know who I am. Its confusing, I just feel like there should be more, or I should be more, or something...I'm not sure. I'm depressed. I'm angry. My temper is getting short. I don't know anymore. I want to be alone. I notice little things that BUGG me like crazy, this didn't used to be this way. I don't know why its happening now. I just want things to be happy. I want my life to be like one of those beautiful stories....the ones that people are moved by. I want to be pretty. I want to be thin. I want to love myself. I don't. I like myself sure, but I do not love myself. I feel lost. I feel rejected. I want to laugh. and I want to be different. Highschool is changing me for the worse. I'm being consumed by the world. I'm being sucked into things I'm afraid of..things I was afraid of becoming. "you might have told me once before, you laugh too much look at what its done". Today was cloudy, I feel like the world was me. I was the surrounding. I am cloudy. I am raining. I have this urge you see, to stand in the rain. Stand there till I am numb. I feel like I've forgotton the meaning. Its so weird. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not happy. Sometimes I smile, mostly when I sing. I'm starting voice lessons.....

WOW!. I can not believe that summer is almost over. I'm soooo not ready for school to start. Its gonna SUCK my life. I just want to live my life how I want it. I want to do fun things and sleep in tents. Speaking of that.. I have been trying to live up everyday I have left to its fullest. WHich has me so tired I'm pretty much falling over. Its sad. I haven't gotton a good nights sleep in so long. Although I did feel strangely awesome when I woke up this morning. Probably pleseant thoughts in my dreams. He he he... Psych is back on! its so awesome. i love Shawn even more. I will Marry him. wha ha ha My teeth hurt cause my mom keeps scraping her fork on her plate and its driving me nuts. I have the weirdest pet peves. I can't listen to people eat without have a seizure. It justdsfnfjdgv Un-nerves me.

I love Sasquatch. I'm so excited! the new season of Psych starts in three days! WHEE! I love Shawn so much...MEOW I rode my bike all day I'm really tired but I'm happy because I'm getting so much exercise. I still haven't named my cat. I like people sometimes. I'm getting really OCD about some things its weirdness...MOO!! tee he he..I like Batman I can't wait ti; the new one comes out.its going to be awesome. I think I'm going to TRY! to sleep..I'll have to check back and tell the world how that goes. STICKS AND TREES ARE FUN!

HA ha ha ha ha It rained today! A LOT! I love tis weather its super Groovy times ten. hmmm I want to go camping again so bad. I love sitting on my roof its awesome. hmmm I need some long sleeved shirts. I want a car. My nails are getting really really long. I can' wait till I graduate high-school....*sigh* If only... I want to live back in the 70's. This century SUCKS!!!!!!!

I love rain. Rain is awesome. Its all...wateryish and stuff. I watched a bunch of Psych today and it was cool. I'm kind of bored but I guess I'm feeling kind of crazy. I want Harry Potter to come out today. and I MUST kidnapp James Roday and Marry him!!!!! KITTY!!!!!!!!!!!! my head itches..IDK why...I want sushi really really bad right now its not fair AT ALL! British people RULE!!!!!!

OK! so much has happened sense my last post. First off I spent over a week with my friend Madison. we went to Eliches then that same night we went camping! we went for like 6 days. It was so much fuN! we were somewhere with a lake and I got to go tubbing for the first time! though I will never admitt it to her..I really like her cousin. XP. but he is too old for me so yea....OK! so ha I stayed home for less than a day when me and Madison decided to go to see "HANCOCK" and I ended up spending the night at her house! then I was home for one day and it was the fourth so she came over and spent the night. The fourth was really fun I guess. My friend DOm had some fireworks that we lit and my neighbors across the way did a whole bunch of awesome ones. I sat on my roof! it was bloody wicked. When I got up there I was fine but I must admit while climbing the latter I was SO SCARRED!. I CAN'T WAIT FOR PSYCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....I miss Jenny though. A LOT. It feels like its been so long sense I've seen her and it really even hasn't. IDk I just feel like she is the one person who excepts me no matter what. She will be my friend through thick and thin. I'm so scarred for Highschool next year. I am so so so so so afraid of how it will be. I mena will I be strong enough? will I be able to ignore peer presure? what am I going to do? I'm so afrid of making mistakes I don't know....what if I lose who I am? I have to be myself...no matter what. I wish Jenny could go to Pomona so bad sometimes. I wish me and her could be are only friends and just laugh at the world. I love her so much.!!!!!! ANYWAYS! on a lighter note....I cried today. I really did. because.I got a cat!!!! I got an amazing cat. He is 3 years old. He is a maine coon mix. He's white with tan spots on him. He is so pretty. It was FATE. I went there to get hermit crabs...HERMIT CRABS! and I ended up getting a beautiful cat...what if I hadn't gone today?? what if....I'm so happy I did though. I've wanted a cat so much sense...well..Paws...I still get really depressed about it sometimes. but I think my new cat will help me through it. I love him already. I was so in love with him when we first met I could hardly breathe. I started to cry. I LOVE PINEAPPLES! MINE! MINE I TELL YOU!. I'm making a frozen pizza in the oven right now. The simple things in life that make you just sigh...I mean...the smell of cheap pizza and the itch of cat fur all over me is all I could ask for. and to top it off...it is an amazing night. I love my life. So much...so so so very much.

Today was probably the most pathetic day of my life. I didn't do anything at all. I mean the most event-full thing I did was draw a chalk picture...I'm so tired. I don't even know where it came from but I haven't been able to sleep at ALL recently. Its weirdness. HARRY POTTER...I wish it never ended. i need to read all of the Lord of the Rings. I love magicallll stuff. Its the best stuff I'm NEVER ever in my life growing up.. hmmm I want to watch Peter Pan now. I've been craving the Lion King recently no idea why....kid movies are the best. I might actually watch Peter Pan when I'm done writing this. I missJenny a lot right now for some reason and I think Heather is mad at me. I just feel weird today. I feel like I have no motavation and I'm just not ok. I don't know why. I need to drink a bunch of coffee tomorrow. which I'll do in my "personalized coffee mug" (its actually the mug from Psych that Shawn has. Jenny gave it to me for my birthday XP) Its a big mug...I hope my mm brings home a pineapple. i love writing letters. It makes me feel all Harrypotterlordoftheringspiratey..... YAY FOR PIRATES! I want a Pirate ship. well I'm off to watch movies now.

It has been so long sense I've posted Probably because I have been trying to avoid the internet as much as possible. I'm just sick of society I guess. But my love for writing has continued in a notebook journal I've had for a few months. Its amazing how much changes. I look at some of my past entries and I don't even know what to think. Just because I was doing so many things I don't anymore you know? I feel really bad for not posting though I'm going to a lot more. I need to write. WHA HA HA!

so some of the best events that have happened are: School Getting out. Sand Dunes and Renaissance festival with Jenny. And also a camp out in my back yard where we stayed up all night went to the park saw bunch of foxes thought we were going to get arrested and sang Beatles songs. When we got home we drank a bunch of coffee and..oh my it was CRAZY. just like we've always been. I think that makes me the happiest of all. That Jenny and I have known each other forever and we've matured some but We haven't changes at all. we're getting old enough we'll be able to drive in a year or so....and we're still obsessed with Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings and Chalk and being freaks. Except now we have even more obsessions like Psych which is AWESOME! I love pineapples... and MONK he he..I'm just so...weird. i love jenny so much. She is my best friend. and Heather I've had a lot of fun with her too....I guess I'm just still so unsure about everything. but I like what I like and I am who I am.

GO OBAMA!!!!!! wheeeee........ I want to be a doctor/painter/ actress/ hobo/crazy cat lady which reminds me! My cat died. I'm still crying about it. It like my son and my brother and my best friends died all at once. I'm still so lost because of it. but I want a new cat to help heal me and I'm getting so desperate I'm like one of those ladies that steals babies they want one so bad...except its cats. MEOW! I want a goat. I have a birdie! I haven't named her yet. I mean I could have but I like to do things when they feel perfect and nothing has seemed perfect yet. I'M SINGING RIGHT NOW! ORCS!!!!!!!!!!! they will eat you if your not carefull... *twitch* OH YAH! I just got back today from Wyoming. I left on Friday. My Uncle Brian got married yesterday! I'm so happy for him I like my new aunt she seems nice. I got to see all of my family on ym dad's side too which was nice.... Everyone is getting so much older. Life is crazy....hmm lets see what else can I rant about. ah yes. There's this kid Justin. I've known him all year but I feel like I just met him. He is an amazing person. I love talking to him. I can't wait till he gets back to colorado. I'm so undeciseive(sp). I said I was going to write in here more but I just remembered that this week or next week I'm going to spend a whole week in a tent. No cell phone. No internet no nothing. I'm EXCITED.

I'm also going to drive my dads scooter soon..He's going to teach me. and I'm going to take the bus to Jenny's house.....I have a lot planned. I'm really tired right now. I told myself I was only going to write a little and continue tomorow but I just have SO MUCH to say...... BURRY YOURSELF IN THE SAND!!!!!! (i did) People have been calling me a hippie..I'm going to kidnapp James Roday and Elijah Wood........and Johnny Depp and Zach Braff...... stop starring at me! I shall put James in my closet and feed him not but Pineapples.......I will get him a cat named "little boy cat" and it shall be his friend. SALAD FINGERS AND FREE HUGS! I can't believe I'm 14 I feel like I'm still 5 or something. I want to get a video camera so bad. I have SO MANY idea's for movies......so little time. I wish summer never ended. I like riding my bike its fun to do. EAGLE. ah ok I have to stop now this is getting too random. I will return tomorrow hopefully with more ranting and craziness..... GOODNIGHT AND GOOD LUCK!

WOW. its been so long sense I've posted and I could go on for hours and hours about well... everything. I am so obsessed with like Donnie Darko and Psych and pineapple smoothies... he he.I think I'm going insane I'm so happy though! I only have to go to school for four days in the next two weeks. Its because of CSAP. O Don't take it so I get those days off. I'm really excited about it. I hate school I think its pointless really. I mean I learn some things but mostly I just don't like all the people they're all so ignorant and mean and they're just hard to get along with. I want to live in the mountains or something. I need to get out of here.... I"M A SAILOR PEG AND I LOST MY LEG!!!....anyways I love James Roday. He's bloody gorgeous. I'm so ready for summer I"m going to run around so much. I want to be a little kid again. I hate growing up. You have to make so many decisions and do so much work. Most adults don't even care about themselves. I do. I like to take time to just close my eyes and think. When ever I do that I can't stop smiling. I come to realize how amazing life is. The simple moments of bliss are worth every splinter...Things are just so amazing sometimes I don't see how I can ever be sad. I remember the sounds..of our adventures downtown...Life is weird. And I guess all you can do is take it as it comes. I believe in happiness.

WHA HA HA!!!!....ok SO My life absolutley revolves aroung ACROSS THE UNIVERSE and THE BEATLES right now..I love them sooo much..everyhting about the,,EVERYHTING!!!!!!!!!!.....I want ot act sooo bad......DIE DIE DIE EVERYONE DIE!....umm random anyways..I think I'm going crazy.like seriously and its weird........I think we need a REVOLUTION WEEEELL YA KNOWW!!!!!! WE ALL WANT TO CHANGE THE WOLRD!!!!!!!!....

AHH..Life is so confusing sometimes. becuase you know what you think will be best for you in the future but its not AT ALL what you want now and you don't know what to choose. THE MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR!!!!!!!!!...uh yah.............anywaz..hehe. LIke I said I AM very confused about somethings but I spent like all night last night just like writing down random things and this is one of them...


You see the man in the Box is full of Rutine. He only uses logic and only obeys to reason.Only his own intellegence. But you have to see that the fool on the hill sees the sun go down.He has no reason,no logic and he has no intellegence but he will always be more knowing than the man in the box, who knows nothing more than his four walls.



yah..IDK I was listening to the Beatles and I wrote this.Its kinda of confusing but It makes sense to me.
yah I am sooooo happy becuase tomorow JENNY is coming over and we are going to go and see a PLAY!!!!!!!!....Its a really good play called "noises off"..ITS AMAZING!!!!!

ok its been a really long itme since my last post. a lot has happened too. I HATE skool so much..its utterly unbearable. I mean I have like 3 friends....and I really in truth don't fit in with them so much
but I have to....I mena IDK.its weird. I miss my best firend Jenny so much..Shes like..My life I haven't seen her in FOREVER and I need her. I wish the two of us could just like..go away to Englad on a Pirate ship and never come back. I ahte this place...GRRRRRR.......DOOM UPON US ALL.........I really want to go hiking and stff..but IDK.I want to move so bad. and just get out of here. I want to be myself all the time but its so hard to wihtout feeling stupid.
I feel so stupid when I act all crazy becuase everyone just stares at me..and that fact that I wear so much black makes it even harde to make friends. Becuase people get like....afraid of me....IDK..Its weird....I guess...but Skool just sucks. I guess my teaches are ok.but I hate homework and half the things we're learning I alredy no.So its pointless in my mind.....AHHHHH...I want to go listen to the beatles or something.and just foget about it all.

Its December the nineteenth. Almost Christmas. Said to be the happiest time of the year, and yet I am distressed. Why you might ask? Thousands of Miles away people are screaming, dying and being ripped away from everything they know. Sounds horrible doesn’t it? It does and it is, and what bothers me most is that we caused it. Yes the amazing U.S.A. land of the free. The country that I used to be proud of and be glad to live in. The story is different now. It is 2006 soon to be 2007 and we have been in war for 4 years. Now depending on who you ask this could either be looked at as an accomplishment for the U.S., or if you look at it through my perspective a rain of terror, destruction, and unnecessary combat. This ridiculous rampage began when “President” George W. Bush suspected that Iraq possessed quoted,”Weapons of Mass Destruction”. This was proved to be inaccurate in 2002. Concluding to this Bush sought out to over throw Iraq's previous dictator Sodom Hussein. Now Sodom was a ruthless dictator I admit but still, we had no seriously legal reasons for overthrowing him. There are other dictators much more vile and corrupt than he and they still roam freely across the lands. In my opinion the peoples of the U.S. are not free. We are not able to vote for whom we choose. Infact for certain reasons I have a notion that both elections were rigged. I do not feel safe. I do not feel free. In fact I feel more vaunrable now then ever before in my life. There is nothing wrong with the country in general. It is our illeged leader. He is a deranged war mongering lunatic and I have every right in the constitution to say so. If you think me wrong see Amendment one of the Bill of Rights. It clearly states that I have the freedom of speech which allows me to say anything I please unless it is putting others lifes in danger. I will not abuse my rights, unlike some people. President Bush has lied to our country leaving thousands of young American Soldiers dead. It is hard to live in our economy. Yes we have a never ending food supply, cars, millions of useless manufactured goods we don’t need and that amazing liquid we like to call oil. Its an extremly amazing substance. It makes luxury living possible and makes our lives eaiser, but everything has a dark side. The U.S. has in recent years become so dependent on oil it is shocking. If our oil supply cancles we all die in a short note. We have no food, no transportation, and in a sense no way of living. We have brought the end in upon ourselfs. What I would give to have my mind erased and to be brought up in a small African tribe. I would not no war or anything else that goes on outside my borders. I would be ignorant, but who said ignorance was bad?

I love Pirates. When I move to Europe. (which I will)...I'm going to build a pirate ship and live on it no matter what people tell me. I don't care. ope. Not what you think I am going to be a pirate.

Yo ho yo ho
I have given my soul to the sea
Yo ho yo ho
A pirates life for me
We steal we plunder
We breath and we die
as the old say
and eye for and eye
I live for the sea
tis where i will die